


Your Warmth is All I Dream of

by dokidokiphanpy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Reality, Angst, Angst and Feels, Bertholt Deserved Better, Character Death In Dream, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Domestic Boyfriends, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Manga Spoiler Free, Minor Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Minor Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein, Pining, Reiner is Confused, Reiner needs a hug, Suggested Sex, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:34:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24609265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dokidokiphanpy/pseuds/dokidokiphanpy
Summary: Reiner wakes up from his nightmare and comes back to reality. That's right, humanity has won against the Titans and nobody died. However, the memories of his bad dream keep on haunting him when he just wants to have a peaceful day with Bertholdt by his side.
Relationships: Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein, Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	Your Warmth is All I Dream of

**Author's Note:**

> Finished rewatching SNK and just wanted good things for Reiner…(I failed miserably...) English isn't my first language so I'm truly sorry for the mistakes.
> 
> !! Beware of anime spoilers (or up to vol 22) !!

The muffled and enveloping humming of the city at night was cracking. All of it was crumbling. Piece by piece, this monument of late night drowsiness was collapsing : the clatter of wheels on the pavement, the distant and thick echos of the dogs barking, the absorbing calm ; piece by piece, it fell apart… smoother than silk. It melted. It was replaced by something else without any disturbance. Falling into place. As time goes by, old buildings damage and come crashing down. So does the night until daylight pierces through the ruins. 

The birds were chirping in the distance, only the sound was getting closer. It was slipping along the path to awakeness, leading the conscience there. It was becoming clear. The crystalline whisper of the wind in the leaves, the jingling of dishes or the penetrating sound of footsteps on a wooden floor were all starting to stand out. 

A veil of light squeezed in between his eyelid and his cornea : a shy wave, orange and warm, encouraging him to open his eyes. Step by step, she had advanced, patient and peaceful, alongside the rising day. She had come to inform him of the morning's presence and was urging him to rise. 

Reiner opened his eyes, his mind still sleeping.

Drowsy, he sat on the edge of the bed with a muffled grunt ; he used his phalanxes and vigor to rub his eyes. While inspecting the entire room, the elegant flapping of the white curtain struck him. Located two steps from the bed's right side, the window had been opened during his sleep.

Hairs from his naked torso raised because of the fresh breeze, he hurried and got out of bed, grumbling. He ran his fingers through his short and stiff hair then stopped between his ears, at the back of his skull, and scratched it as he limped towards the desk, eager to find something to stay warm. The desk was just under the window, to Reiner, it was more of a wardrobe than an actual spot to work. He grabbed a steel grey shirt and put it on, not even bothering to wonder if it would fit his pants : he had just woken up and was cold, getting warmer came first. After gazing at the window and its view on the lake for a few seconds, he set out to close it by leaning down. His mother had surely opened it in the first place.

''What the… ?''

Reiner froze. The window wasn't closed yet. He opened his eyes wide and scaned, astonished, the edge of the forest bordering that damn lake. He closed his eyes and pinched his wattles, shaking his head. Nonsense ! He wasn't supposed to live at the countryside !

He made a about-turn : that bed was too large, that wasn't his ! And that wardrobe was too big to be his ! Moreover his clothes were already on the desk, that wardrobe was clearly someone else's. The blood in his temples was pumping as he walked across the room.

''Huh…'' he trailed off, baffled.

Reiner facepalmed, amazed at his own stupidity and burst into laughter, relieved rather than amused. He was home. His own. Well, theirs, him and Bertholdt. He just had a bad dream, one he had found a bit too realistic, and had had a hard time getting back to reality. So much so that he hadn't been able to instantly recognize their own bedroom !

''You moron !'' he chuckled.

The bedroom led to the main corridor of the cottage, Reiner took it and reached the wooden deck resting on stilts and covering three quarters of the house. Since he was already accustomed to the morning sunlight, he kept on gazing at the edge of the forest, their only neighbor besides the lake, and inhaled to let a few gentle zephyrs enter his lungs.

He turned his gaze and his eyes met Bertholdt's. A few steps away from where Reiner stood, the young man was sitting down at the table and blowing on a cup of tea. He was holding it with both of his hands, careful but according the rest of his attention to Reiner. 

''Hi !'' he greeted him, delicate, as though trying not to brisk his precious roommate.

''Hi…'' Reiner yawned.

''So, how was that dream ?''

''Huh ?…''

''I mean…'' Bertholdt looked down at his toasts, then went on. ''I'm supposed to be the oversleeper. I assumed you were having a great dream since you took your time to wake up.''

Reiner was spreading butter on a grilled toast, he stopped for a moment, thinking about what he would answer.

''It was weird…'' he said in one breath. 

Still thinking about his dream, Reiner resumed spreading his toast. He poured orange juice in a glass and wondered about his mother whom he had seen in his fantasy. He swallowed a hot mouthful of tea and recalled that Bertholdt had been in his dream too… along with Annie, Connie, Sasha, Eren, Jean : all of their friends, actually.

''Reiner… ''

''Huh ? Yeah… what ?''

Bertholdt was staring at him, a worried look on his face : he had finished his meal for a while but he wouldn't get up. Reiner lowered his eyes, determined not to make eye-contact. He could hear Bertholdt sighing, as well as the creaking of a chair and a satisfied grunt. Reiner deduced he was stretching. A light hollow sound indicated that his elbows were back on the table. Reiner resolved to hold his head high again.

Bertholdt was smiling at him : a tiny curve at the corner of his lips, soft yet strong, serene. Even his eyes were shining with a deep, vast, reassuring green. Reiner could get lost in this jade gaze full of compassion and understanding, it calmed him down. As long as they were here, watching over him, with all the trust and peace they inspired him, he'd feel stronger, braver, more confident. His cheeks were getting warmer, he was starting to blush. He chuckled and scratched his neck to keep his cool, praying that his heartbeats would steady, as unshakeable as the ripples on the lake.

''Do you still feel like doing the housework today ?''

''You bet I do ! No stupid dream is gonna rust me !'' Reiner exclaimed, relieved that Bertholdt's question allowed him to ease up from the embarassment, he rose his right arm up and pressed his palm against the biceps.

''Haha, I thought so.'' Bertholdt scratched his cheek with a finger ''So big plan for today : I do the cooking and you do the cleaning !''

''Big plan, indeed.'' Reiner noted, sipping tea. 

''Everything must be perfect for tomorrow, they're coming at our place for the first time. We don't want them to think we're dirty porks.''

''Aren't we though ?''

A low-kick in the tibia was the first answer he got.

''Ow !''

''Maybe you are, but I have a reputation to preserve ! No matter what!''

''Yeah right ! Everybody knows how graceful you are when you sleep.''

''That's what I mean ! I gotta show them that how I sleep doesn't reflect how I live. Besides, they've only seen me sleeping during stressful situations, I mean : the Titans War ! The daily anxiety in the Scouts barracks ! My body had to release the pressure.''

Reiner couldn't help but grin, supressing a laugh.

''You're digging your own grave…'' he sniggered.

''But that's true ! Since our leave began, I've been sleeping a lot more « normally ».'' Bertholdt was blushing.

''Well, sorry but I haven't seen any major progress in two years !''

''Whatever… it shouldn't stop us from cleaning our place up, especially when the others are our guests.'' Bertholdt kept on blushing and looked towards the lake, resting his chin on his palm. ''I'd feel bad regarding Marco and how tidy his apartment is, wouldn't you ?''

_« Why is Marco getting eaten ? » ___

__

__The tea had taken time to cool down while Reiner boiled in the blink of an eye. His heart resumed its pounding, only it was more painful, deadly, as though it was going to pierce his chest and make the blood pour out. This blood was pumping in his temples, boiling too, it would melt his veins down. Reiner was going to melt. He was going to melt just like the world around him was crumbling. Colors and shapes were coming together in a sort of oppressing molasses that would roast his retina. However, some bits of it were still dry, intact, safe from this misshapen stickiness : images of Marco. Images of his expression torn apart by anxiety and incomprehension. Images of his aching face crushed by the weight of treason which had brought him to tears. Reiner couldn't see anything but Marco : the molasses covered his entire eyesight and muffled every sound. He was still perceiving some bits of Bertholdt's voice but he couldn't understand what he was saying. A pea soup was intoxicating his ears. And, just like logs coming to the surface of a wild river, some sounds went and hollered in his ears. It was Marco's piercing strangled voice. All he could properly hear in that pea soup was _« Reiner ! What are you doing ? », « Stop it ! Annie ! Don't do this ! », « Why ? »_ or _« We haven't even had a chance to talk this through ! »_. Reiner hyperventilated. He suffocated. He was reaching his limit. He guessed the arm he could see through the molasses was his own, however he couldn't feel it move. The only thing he could feel was how light he was, which might be due to his literal meltdown : he'd soon evaporate. He did feel light, gone, dethroned, expulsed from his own body, he was no longer the master. Nor the body. Reiner was boiling, he was going to melt his bones and his presence away. He was boiling so much he was freezing. Breathing hurt. Each breath stabbed his lungs deeper than the last, ressembling fangs snapping him. Teeth snapping shut, the blood spurting. Heart beating down his own chest. Soon, it'd be torn apart, spilling his organs, his remorses, his shame… he had killed Marco. Marco ! Their ray of light and optimism. Their innocent confidant, always ready to help. He had caused his death without even having the guts to kill him with his own hands. He had betrayed their precious friend, condemned gentleness to the cruelest of death ! It was only fair that he should be pierced, boil, melt away. In a few moments he wouldn't be able to grasp anything around him. It was all choking him, consuming him. It was all blurry. Except for his memories of Marco. Everything did consume him and boil him up but his memories of Marco were wrecking him. _ _

__The wreck is brought closer to the shore by the quiet and soothing ebb and flow of the tide._ _

__The pain that Reiner felt in his chest was drifitng away as he mechanically attempted to model his own breathing on Bertholdt's and its reassuring rhythm. He was close. He could feel him. His touch came back and he rejoiced, recognizing Bertholdt's hand stroking his face downward, from the forehead to the chin, again and again. Bertholdt's palm bloomed on his skull then the entire hand followed the curve of Reiner's head down while spinning until only the ring finger and the little finger were left to brush his mate's chin. The thin hairs of Bertholdt's fingers tickled those of Reiner's budding beard, they met and tangled up for a saintly moment. The tall brunet's hand was fresh and pressing down on Reiner's skin, it soothed him like a lotion of comfort and safety applied on his body, scarred by an invisible yet frightening pain._ _

__Reiner was being cradled, his heart too so it slowed down. The molasses and its bits had dried out, completely vanished, and he could now bask in the serenity provided by the unwavering black he had met by closing his eyelids. The pea soup of sounds had disappeared too and the only thing he heard was Bertholdt's smooth, tenderly adjusted voice._ _

__''Reiner, it's alright, it's alright.''_ _

__***_ _

__

__''… and for dessert I had thought of a honey cake with nuts and berries, what do you think ?'' Bertholdt questionned him, moving one of his pawns forward._ _

__Reiner just nodded, arms crossed over the chessboard, staring at his black king, not even seeing the game. However what he was seeing was his recent panic attack, which he played over and over in his head to try and figure out how, for a moment, he could have sworn he had murdered Marco. Bertholdt cleared his throat to bring Reiner back to reality._ _

__''I'm thinking…''_ _

__''About your dream ?''_ _

__''No, I'm thinking about the game, is all.'' Reiner ended up moving his tower._ _

__Bertholdt bobbed his head and raised an eyebrow before he replied._ _

__''It's just that, considering everything you told me about that nightmare of yours and how it was so believable and realistic, I thought your sudden panic attack was linked to it.''_ _

__A "nightmare" . A simple word wich struck multiple chords within him, made him shiver. Nothing in the world seemed truer than thinking of his dream as a nightmare._ _

__''You were so long to figure out where you were this morning ! And minutes ago you were convinced Marco was dead !'' Bertholdt tried to make his point against the silent beefy blond._ _

__''I know… and my mother was here. There were Titans too. But we hadn't defeated them yet… and you were here : everyone was here !'' Reiner uncrossed his arms and brought his hand to his mouth._ _

__''Oh… you mean the twelve of us ? Our whole squad ?''_ _

__''Yeah.'' Reiner sighed. ''And the pain was so… real.''_ _

__''I never saw you so anxious, Reiner. Even right before each of our assaults on breaches, you seemed more relaxed than that.'' Bertholdt looked down on the chessboard and spoke with a thoughtful voice ''It looks like you just had the worst nightmare of your life. Do you think it's the after-effects of the Titans War ?''_ _

__''If that's so, those are some fucked-up after-effects ! It was so different, like a whole world on its own !''_ _

__''It seems so unnerving, no wonder you were so lost…''_ _

__''Don't worry about me ! Like you said, it was just some nasty nightmare.'' Reiner went back to crossing his arms and let out a scornful guttural sound._ _

__'' « Some nasty nightmare » that causes you panic attacks ? That you can't stop thinking about ?''_ _

__''I told you I'm thinking about the game.''_ _

__''No you're not ! All the informations you've already collected are proof that you've been thinking about it longer than you should have. Besides, what's this dumb move you just did with your tower ? You would never have done such a brainless move were you truly focused on the game !'' Bertholdt used his white bishop to take Reiner's black tower down and made eye-contact with his opponent, awaiting his reply._ _

__Reiner breathed out of exasperation. A guilty smile on his lips, he scratched the top of his nape and faced Bertholdt's worried glare before opening his mouth._ _

__''Bertl, do you think I could skip the cleaning for today and get some rest ? I'll do it tomorrow. But today I'm worn out… ''_ _

__He had let it out in one breath, in a voice he wished had not been so hesitant, but it was no use going back. He kept on staring at Bertholdt. The tall brunet blushed, looked away and replied with an even shier voice._ _

__''Sure… I think it's for the best too.''_ _

__The redness of Bertholdt's cheeks was one of Reiner's favourite things about his long-time friend. They never failed to show up when he would get called by his nickname and they always highlighted his eyes of jade. Despite his 190 centimeters, he looked more vulnerable, more delicate, more precious._ _

__Reiner thanked him and took the white king down with his queen since the white bishop had abandoned him._ _

__''Checkmate. So, who wasn't focused on the game again?'' Reiner softly sneered._ _

__''Don't put it like that! That's not fair ! You're always the winner anyway.''_ _

__''Then why do you persist if you know I'm always gonna win ?''_ _

__''… Because I wanna be able to beat you !'' He was still scarlet._ _

__Reiner chuckled and grabbed Bertholdt's wrist with his right hand, as well as the white king with his left hand, and put it on the loser's palm. Bertholdt was shaking from astonishment, his hand was warm and slightly moist : Reiner's fingers slid on it like on silk sheets, soft and soothing._ _

__''Pro tip : try the black. You can analyze your opponent from the get-go and plan an efficient strategy real quick.'' He whispered then winked at him._ _

__***_ _

__

__A warm breeze was stroking his face. Sitting down on the steps that led to their wooden deck with his hands joined and his elbows on his knees, Reiner bathed in the sunlight. It was around noon, the warmest hour of the day. Behind the veil of darkness imposed on him by his closed eyelids, Reiner imagined the round outline of the shining star. The steps were getting warmer and, just when he would begin to think he was going to burn, a fresh midday wind would blow on him. The smells of the sun, the warm wood and the chlorophyll were wrapping him up in a tiny bubble, far from the rest of the world, where only his own breath mattered. Safe and chilled in the bubble, Reiner could feel each and every hair on his head wave at the lukewarm passing of the wind._ _

__A new flavor entered his bubble without bursting it. A reserved yet spicy aroma : Reiner guessed it was garlic, parsley, salmon and mostly mouthwatering. He opened his mouth, hoping he could taste the smell like cats do. Bertholdt was probably cooking salmon in a cream with garlic and parsley, served with browned potatoes. Reiner kept on smelling until he could taste it._ _

__He enjoyed his first true moment of calm since he woke up in the morning._ _

__

__Reiner always feasted his eyes upon Bertholdt eating. His slightly tan, thin and long fingers seemed to be dancing with the silverwares in full agility, grace, aerial acrobatics. His middle fingers, ring fingers and little fingers were free and enhanced the movements of his hands as they twirled above the plate, almost soaring. Each time he needed to change the position of the fork, he would spin his left hand in a flash of mastery, assigning the three fingers left at the reception of the handle. The beefy blond almost forgot to eat._ _

__Berthlodt stretched out, full, suppressing a moan of satisfaction. He straightened up while Reiner was already standing up, carrying an empty plate._ _

__''I'll be washing the dishes.''_ _

__''Great, thanks, then I'll be taking a nap.'' Bertholdt smiled._ _

__

__Reiner stopped the abundant flow of the tap water. Without thinking too much, he rubbed the dishes, his spirit redoing his nightmare._ _

__Out of all the details that had come back to him in the morning, he didn't tell some of them to Bertholdt. He wanted to understand those, there had to be something up in his brain for it to create such a well-crafted nightmare… especially such a realistic one. He wondered if he had ever dreamt of such elaborate fantasies before, he might fear going back to bed tonight. He sighed, if only he were a sound sleeper like Bertholdt, who would always take a nap after lunch in one of the hammocks of their garden, he might even have ended up as tall as him._ _

__He shook his head to clear his mind and get back his focus. Why hadn't the Titans been already defeated ? And why in the name of Paradise were they former humans ? It turned his blood to ice to even think about it. He felt such a relief just remembering that Titans had actually emerged from a breach in the earth's crust, near the island. At least, the rest of the world had joined in the fight once they had learned there were survivors on Paradise ; united, humanity had triumphed. There had been no bloody unsettling geopolitical conflict where nobody could tell the good from the bad anymore, like in his damn dream._ _

___« You damn traitors ! »_ __

____

_  
_

____

____He squished the sponge as hard as he could, the lukewarm water came flowing down his arm. No ! It was just some nasty nightmare, none of it was true. The truth was that he had fought in the frontline for humanity (even if Eren had helped them all out by galvanizing them in the darkest times) he was a brave hero from the Titans War, decorated and rewarded for his dedication by a long leave only he could decide when to put an end to… he was no traitor. « Traitor ». This one word ached him harder than the numbing shock of his hand that he had just smacked against the ceramic sink._ _ _ _

____

____ _ _

____

____Neither the dry sink, nor the intense tingling aching his palm could stop his stream of thoughts from cascading. A warm and stable push in his back did._ _ _ _

____

____Reiner turned around and met Bertholdt's gaze, offering him a hot cup of tea and smiling._ _ _ _

____

____''Wha… weren't you sleeping ?'' Reiner exclaimed._ _ _ _

____

____Bertholdt put a finger of his free hand on his mouth._ _ _ _

____

____''I was, I slept for about three-quarters of an hour… as usual ! I should be asking you why it took you so long to wash the dishes, don't you think ?'' Bertholdt laughed._ _ _ _

____

____Bertholdt's joy moved Reiner so much there was no way drinking the tea would warm him up more than he already was. He strechted his hand towards the cup._ _ _ _

____

____''True that ! I was lost in my thoughts, again.''_ _ _ _

____

____He brought the liquid to his lips and enjoyed the drop of milk and sugar Bertholdt had put in it. The tea was just like he loved it !_ _ _ _

____

____***_ _ _ _

____

____A ripple on the lake was dancing with a lukewarm and delicate breeze of the wind, it was a sort of waltz : round, regular, mesmerizing. Reiner crouched down by the side of the pond. This place was so peaceful, he would never dare to trade it for the city that he had dreamt of. There was no neverending buzzing of wheels trudging on irregular paving stones, no chatter coming from the market place, and foremost no clear and sharp sound of Marley officers beating down an impudent Eldian. No dog barking._ _ _ _

____

____The flight of two butterflies caught his eye. They spun up and down, following various lines and curves that would just end up tiresome for them, they surely were full of energy, they might have recently come out of their cocoon._ _ _ _

____

____As he pursued them with his gaze, Reiner's eyes ended up back on the surface of the water._ _ _ _

____

____He looked at his reflection. Platinum hair, golden irises, hollow eye sides, straight nose, prominent jawline. An unknown gaze. As if a spark of incomprehension had lighted up an inferno of guilt, anger and turmoil that was raging in his pupils._ _ _ _

____

____Reiner didn't recognize himself in that reflection._ _ _ _

____

____A sudden urge of blowing some steam off around the forest came over him. He craved for that view above the crowns of the trees, for that feeling of being special, above everything else, unbeatable, confident, confident in what he could do, in his destiny and what he had to do. These fifteen meters didn't just give him titanic abilities but mostly the courage and the resolution of the warrior. And right now, that was all he needed._ _ _ _

____

____Drops of blood came and splashed on his palate and the sides of his mouth, then mixed with his saliva. The frustration of not being able to transform pissed him off more than feeling his own teeth incising his flesh._ _ _ _

____

____''Shit ! Shit, shit, shit ! Shit !''_ _ _ _

____

____Reiner was supposed to be more than determined, and yet nothing was happening. Bloodcells were cracking under the pressure of the bite. More and more blood was flowing down his arm. He bit into it. More, stronger and stronger ! Hot tears were sliding along his red cheeks. Soon he would know exactly how his own flesh tasted. The despair of his muffled cry only equaled his fury for being so powerless. He moved his sticky and bloody right hand over from his mouth._ _ _ _

____

____''What the hell is going on ? Will you transform already ? For fuck's sake !''_ _ _ _

____

____He resumed. He was making himself bleed but nothing changed, he didn't know what was happening. He was close to biting his flesh out of his own body but was still lost without any idea of what to do. He bit into his hand but he was still furious, the Armored wouldn't show up. He was wrecking his skin, determined to pierce his bones, but his scared rage made him feel miserable, he didn't know who he was. This scarlet and warm blood cascading out of his hand might not even be his._ _ _ _

____

____ _ _

____

____''Oi, Reiner ! Reiner, stop !''_ _ _ _

____

____The young blonde raised his head, astonished. Somehow, he had ended up on his knees. All of the blood left in his right hand had surely fled to his temples, because they were pumping so hard it made his head fuzzy, he couldn't quite grasp what Bertholdt was shouting at him._ _ _ _

____

____''I can't leave you by yourself for twenty minutes or what ?! What has gotten into you, doing something like that ?! Are you out of your mind ?!''_ _ _ _

____

____It was the second time in one single day that Reiner's cheeks went back to boiling. They were boiling out of shame, the same shame covering up his entire face, the reflection of which he saw in Bertholdt's pupils. On the other hand, the tall brunet's eyes seemed frozen up by worry… and fear._ _ _ _

____

____Reiner was scaring him._ _ _ _

____

____He couldn't stop the flow of tears that ran down his cheeks. He was scaring Bertholdt now. He would have liked to think the words were stuck at the bottom of his throat but there were actually no words he could think of at all. There were no clear thoughts in his mind. All he could think of what that he was scaring Bertholdt._ _ _ _

____

____A saving freshness landed on his cheeks and applied its comforting coolness on his temples. Bertholdt's hands, accompanied by his long and thin fingers that were always at the right temperature, sheltered his cheekbones. They would warm him up when he would need it and now they were cooling him down. His fingerpads froze on Reiner's face, they didn't press him nor stroke him, they just stayed there and assured their comforting presence._ _ _ _

____

____''Pull yourself together, Reiner…'' Bertholdt whispered at him._ _ _ _

____

____Reiner shook his head yes and gulped right before closing his eyes. He remembered Bertholdt's advices of the morning and focused on his breathing. The delicate and fresh hands were still by his side. However, the breath became louder and louder, closer until their skins touched each other. Bertholdt's forehead brushed Reiner's. Even though he couldn't catch sight of him, Reiner pictured how their lips were just a beat of a butterfly's wings apart. Reiner listened to Bertholdt's peaceful and exemplary breath and tried to imitate it. The pounding of his heartbeats and of the blood in his temples tranquilised as Reiner's mind was solely dedicated to Bertholdt._ _ _ _

____

____''You're doing good…'' His savior congratulated him in a whisper, he then let go of Reiner ''And now, we're gonna do something about that disaster.''_ _ _ _

____

____The metallic clicking of a box opening up caught his attention so Reiner resolved to lift his eyelids up, he realized Bertholdt had come with the first-aid kit._ _ _ _

____

____''I would have come sooner when I saw what you were up to but I had to take it with me. I'm sorry but it's going to sting.''_ _ _ _

____

____Reiner was way too used to the sting of the disinfectant to even notice the pain caused by the liquid. He watched Bertholdt tend to his bloody hand : it was scarlet and some of its skin had been ripped off but the blood wasn't flowing anymore, his friend-doctor-in-his-spare-time had surely stopped the bleeding while calming him down._ _ _ _

____

____''I'm the one who should be sorry.''_ _ _ _

____

____Bertholdt lifted his head, blown away by that apology, then poured a lot more of disinfectant than what was necessary._ _ _ _

____

____''Ow ! What was that for ?''_ _ _ _

____

____''You better be sorry ! You scared me so much, I hope you have some explanations because I'm gonna have to ask you to spill the beans.'' Bertholdt replied, trying to look imperial by closing his eyes and raising his chin._ _ _ _

____

____Reiner sighed as his friend cut a large band of plaster bandage. Bertholdt didn't usually demand, when he did, it always was to Reiner, but he spared his ammo so that when he would demand him something, the platinum blonde had no other choice but to comply. However, Bertholdt was also patient and he kept on wrapping Reiner's hand up without pressing him, just waiting for him to be ready to talk. Reiner cleared his throat._ _ _ _

____

____''I was a Titan… in my dream.''_ _ _ _

____

____Bertholdt froze for a heartbeat, digesting the information, and went back to his task._ _ _ _

____

____''You have to mutilate yourself to be able to transform, I just wanted to check it out again.''_ _ _ _

____

____'' « Check it out » ? You mean like : until you would end up close to hemorrhage ? It was more like you were convinced you would transform but you didn't and got frustrated, am I right ?''_ _ _ _

____

____''I… yeah…'' Reiner gritted his teeth. ''It seemed so true in that dream. The pain of the bite was the same as moments ago… I guess it's twisting my memories, it's so messed up.''_ _ _ _

____

____''So, in your dream, humans could transform into Titans as they pleased ?''_ _ _ _

____

____''Not all of them. Only a few people actually could.''_ _ _ _

____

____''Okay…'' Bertholdt raised an eyebrow ''So, the rest stayed into Titans for ever : basically, the Titans were former humans in your dream, weren't they ?''_ _ _ _

____

____''You figured it out.'' Reiner sighed._ _ _ _

____

____''Who else could transform ?''_ _ _ _

____

____Reiner chocked on the shock Bertholdt's question had caused him, he stayed silent for a moment._ _ _ _

____

____''Don't know.''_ _ _ _

____

____The plaster bandage suddenly squeezed him, way too hard for it not to be on purpose, Reiner lifted his gaze and saw Bertholdt staring at him, still with a raised eyebrow and a disilusioned glare._ _ _ _

____

____''Okay… uh…. Eren… Annie… Armin and Ymir too.''_ _ _ _

____

____''And me, don't forget.''_ _ _ _

____

____The ground crumbled under Reiner's feet. He started to sweat a lot, his entire body itching. He coughed as he tried to regain his composure but couldn't grasp what was going on._ _ _ _

____

____''Come on, it was obvious ! You always have to keep secrets like that every time you don't want to upset me. Since you figured I'd be better off without knowing I was a Titan in your dream, you didn't mention it so I wouldn't worry, right ? You even had that same look in your eyes, the one you do each time you're unsettled !'' Bertholdt gloated, not ashamed at his fairly good observations of Reiner, he tied the bandage up and went on, pointing at the wounded ''There, see it ? That's the expression I'm talking about !''_ _ _ _

____

____Reiner inspected his mouth, his nose, even his forehead with his left hand, the one not wounded, trying to catch a glimpse of that infamous expression the tall brunet seemed to know so well. Bertholdt burst into laughter upon him._ _ _ _

____

____''Anyway, I'm done with your bandage !'' Bertholdt calmed down and let go of Reiner's right hand._ _ _ _

____

____The wounded gazed upon his hand bandaged with white. Bertholdt had been surgically precise, that bandage was neither too tight nor too loose, moreover the tie was so small it wouldn't bother him._ _ _ _

____

____''I learned from the best.'' Bertholdt commented before the beefy blonde's admiration for his work ''During the Titans War, I'd often assist the Scouts doctors and nurses.''_ _ _ _

____

____His smile was humble and yet quite proud that the bandage suited Reiner, such a precious smile. Still, the young blonde felt like he had never seen Bertholdt wearing this kind of smile since memories from his dream where his friend was always staring at Annie were taking too much place. Had he loved the young girl in that other world, he'd have shown that heartwarming smile to her, unless the higher level of pressure in the dreamy world had prevented him from showing it to Reiner. These considerations made his head spin, he had to know. For today, he was done not knowing things. His heart skipped a beat as a burning desire rose from his chest, all the way up to his throat, and transformed into a question burning his lips._ _ _ _

____

____''Okay, now I'm the one who'll ask the questions : what do you think of Annie ?'' he breathed out._ _ _ _

____

____''Huh ?'' Bertholdt choked up, with scarlet cheeks ''Why are you asking that so suddenly, Reiner ? You must have hit your head when you got out of bed…''_ _ _ _

____

____Reiner took a deep breath, a solemn look in his eyes, and went on._ _ _ _

____

____''Just… answer me.''_ _ _ _

____

____''Hm... alright. Well, we're childhood friends so I obviously care about her and we fought in the Titans War together which strenghtened our bond…''_ _ _ _

____

____''And you keep staring at her every time she's near.''_ _ _ _

____

____''Really ?'' Bertholdt was as red as a beet, he massaged his nape, his gaze was evasive ''Well, like I said, I care about her, that isn't much of a surprise. Uh… are you testing my fidelity out or what ?_ _ _ _

____

____''Testing your fid… wha ?''_ _ _ _

____

____He quickly connected the dots and got as red as Bertholdt already was, he started to mutter apologies but was cut short._ _ _ _

____

____''That's crazy how you can be so oblivous over such simple things, Reiner ! I do stare at Annie… but you never realized I was even more staring at you ? I'm almost disappointed !" Bertholdt burst into laughter._ _ _ _

____

____''Sorry… that stupid dream got the better of my observation skills. I'm even doubting what is right in front of my eyes.'' Reiner joined Bertholdt in his laugh ''Thanks for getting me right back on track.''_ _ _ _

____

____Reiner took his hand and helped him getting up, then they headed towards the cottage._ _ _ _

____

____ _ _

____

____During that brief walk under the comforting shades of the edge of the forest, Reiner looked around his surroundings. In a short while, he was already staring at the tall brunet walking beside him, a firm, confident, relaxed tread. His fir green pullover flapped in the discreet wind, just like the white curtain of their bedroom in the morning. The golden irises of Reiner basked in that simple back and forth of forest colored wool coupled with a touch of dried scarlet._ _ _ _

____

____He almost tripped on an invisible obstacle, he regained his composure and kept on walking on the same rhythm so as not to worry his fellow traveler, Reiner was the worried one. There was a large stain of blood on Bertholdt's clothes. The red seemed faded which led Reiner to assume it came from the shirt and had bled onto the pullover. Obviously, that was the wounded's blood. Obviously, Bertholdt had pressed the wound on his shirt while Reiner was losing his reason so the red stain would be kept hidden under his pullover, hidden from Reiner. The platinum blonde clenched the fist of his intact hand and lokked away from Bertholdt's clothes only to realize they had arrived at the stairs leading to the wooden deck._ _ _ _

____

____''Wait.'' Reiner grabbed Bertholdt's elbow ''Relax here, sunbathe or sleep a bit, I don't know, just take a break while I'm gonna get you some new clothes to put on.''_ _ _ _

____

____''What ?'' Bertholdt looked down, a guilty gaze in his eyes ''You don't have to do that, you know…''_ _ _ _

____

____''Consider it's my stupid way of thanking you !'' Reiner's voice was firm, unquestionable._ _ _ _

____

____''Well… okay.'' Bertholdt smiled._ _ _ _

____

____ _ _

____

____Carrying a shirt and a pullover, Reiner took the corridor linking their bedroom to the wooden deck where Bertholdt was waiting for him. He was surprised at how decorated the right wall of that corridor was, he hadn't paid any attention to it in the morning._ _ _ _

____

____Two medals with forest green ribbons and the Wings of Freedom of the Scouts carved on the gold of the badges were hung on both extremities of the corridor, you could read engraved on the two of them _« Opfergeist und Heldenmut » _. The two medals, Reiner couldn't remember which one was his, framed a series of portraits that inspired an alienating nostalgia to Reiner, memories so distant he thought he had invented them.___ _ _ _

____

______And yet, here they were, the proofs he had survived the Titans War, that they had all survived, and proofs he had had a childhood too. A pale portrait represented him alongside Bertholdt, Annie and Marcel, the colors of the pencil strokes were washed-out by the light of countless days. He paused before his own face : his hair was longer, his eyes full of innocence and his hands were small and chubby, spoiled by gentleness. Even then, at only ten years old, Bertholdt was already the tallest of the three of them ! Four of them. Marcel was here too. Seeing his hair, which he pictured brown under the black pencil stroke, struck Reiner's heart like hundreds of sharp needles stabbing it. His eyes were stinging atrociously hard but he bore with it. Marcel had died for him and giving up to the pain wouldn't bring him back : he had already tried on numerous occasions behind Annie and Bertholdt's backs to know better than that._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______He shook his head and turned to more joyful portraits. For instance, there was one of Sasha, triumphing, her bow raised to tke sky, her foot against the snout of a defeated wild boar. Reiner chuckled. He could hear the huntress bragging through the picture. He stopped his slow tread along the wall to stare at another portrait. Jean and Marco stood next to each other, both wearing long weel coat on which the Unicorns of the Military Police were sewn. It didn't even surprise him. Marco had stayed true to his desire to help people out and had asked for a transfer in the Military Police (where there were still work to do) without even taking the time to enjoy his exceptional leave. Obviously, Jean had followed him. Contrary to what horse-face would always say, they were inseparable. Marco was the sun Jean needed to bloom._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______Another one caught his eye. It was framed, bigger than the others, Bertholdt probably did cherish it. It represented the entire Jaeger squad, the whole twelve of them ! A vague idea came to Reiner's mind as he was trying to recall when and why had this portrait been made. It had to date back to a few days prior to a breach assault. Surely the assault of THE breach. The last one they had filled up using a collapsing, thus claiming humanity's victory against the Titans. After all, the Jaeger squad had been on the front lines of this crucial operation. This portrait had surely been made to immortalize their sacrifice…or, depending on the circumstances, their heroism before it was too much tainted by glory._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______Armin was as straight as a ramroad, the most anxious solemn look ever seen in a pair of eyes, his hands behind his back. Eren leant on the short blonde's shoulder, more relaxed, but in his gaze was burning the intense determination that was so characteristic of him. Mikasa stood straight too, resolute, on her brother's left side whom she was gazing at, a glimmer of benevolence shining in her eyes. Bertholdt and him were standing behind the Shiganshina trio. Reiner wore a serious expression, determined, while Bertholdt, although seeming focused, was lightly smiling and looked like he was gazing at him, tender. As usual, Bertholdt was withdrawn, according to his quiet nature. He would only speak in small groups. And yet, today, he was the one doing most of the talking out of the two of them.  
Annie was situated to his right side, barely visible behind Armin. At first, she seemed expressionless but, by opening your eyes wide, you could see the semblance of a shy smile on her lips. Maybe it was added by the portraitist. On Annie's right side, Historia was offering her warmest smile, her hands joined before her waist, along the figure of her small and frail body. However, her neck couldn't be seen as Ymir's arms were all over it since she was hugging her beloved and seemed to be rubbing her face against Historia's, Ymir's pleased complexion was twinkling thanks to a large and honest smile.  
On the other side, on the Shiganshina trio's left side, Marco was properly saluting, shining with pride. He was the only one doing it on the portrait. Even Eren had chilled out, but Marco, he couldn't help himself, was always thinking about the well-being of the many, about those they would be fighting for and dedicated his most beautiful salute to them. Their big idealist's left elbow brushed against Jean's, who was resting a hand on his hip and standing three-quarters, looking at Marco with his eyebrows raised, his mouth half-opened. He wasn't smiling but didn't look dissatisfied either.  
At last, Connie and Sasha were posing on both ends of the portait : Sasha on the right side of the picture, Connie on the left. They had the same position, like symmetrical reflections, with a knee on the ground and raising their hands as though they were presenting the Jaeger squad to the world. Out of the twelve of them, they had the two largest, most joyful smiles, mixtures of pride and excitment. _ _ _ _ _ _

____

______He paused on Ymir's smile, on her protective and strapping aura over small little Historia. His heart squeezed. He observed Marco's resolved and valorous expression, even though each second he spent just thinking about the big idealist pierced even deeper his very being and shook it with shame, guilt and despair. Then, he stared at Bertholdt's shy smile of kindness, Bertholdt's smile for him. He clenched his fists, so strong it could reopen his wound._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______ _ _ _ _

____

______Grabbing the doorknob, Reiner couldn't stop thinking about Marcel and what happened to him. The memories that had come to him were from his nightmare, once more, that nasty thing had tainted his mind and reason. He handed the clothes over to Bertholdt who thanked him with a nod of his head then he sat down beside him as the tall brunet was getting changed._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''Bertl, do you know Marcel ?''_ _ _ _ _ _

____

______Not only did Bertholdt blush with the mention of his nickname but he instantly stopped getting changed and studied Reiner with concerned eyes instead. Reiner held Bertholdt's astonished gaze without even slightly dropping it, even though his friend's torso was naked. Bertholdt ended up chuckling._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''Marcel ? If I know him ? Yes, I'd say about as much as when I was six ! Is it because of your dream again, Reiner ?''_ _ _ _ _ _

____

______The young blonde ran a hand through his hair, breathing out, then went on with his questions._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''So, he's still alive ?''_ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''Yes, he is.'' Bertholdt's look was solemn and serious ''Not in your dream ?''_ _ _ _ _ _

____

______Reiner shook his head and took a deep breath._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''If I told you I'd killed him, how'd you react ?''_ _ _ _ _ _

____

______Bertholdt opened his eyes wide then looked down. Reiner could feel a cold sweat dripping on his back, he watched out for any new movements of Bertholdt, who looked in deep thoughts, and stopped breathing for what felt like an eternity to be sure he wouldn't miss anything._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''In your dream or here'' Bertholdt raised his head to meet Reiner's eyes ''as long as we're together, I think I'll always be by your side.'' he declared in a shy voice._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______Reiner smiled and brought Bertholdt's naked torso closer to hold him tight. He wanted to bask in the warmth of this tanned skin, to feel even the thinnest of Bertholdt's hairs brush against his palm, to sense the tall brunet's heartbeats and be glad he was here, alive, and above all to hide his watery eyes. Relief had struck him harder than expected. Bertholdt was here and he didn't resent him for Marcel's death._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______His heart skipped a beat when he felt the comforting press of Bertholdt's hand on his back._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______***_ _ _ _ _ _

____

______Reiner took a mouthful of tomatoe pie and let the warmth and sugar run all the way down his throat without taking his eyes off Bertholdt. The brunet seemed in deep thoughts, gazing at the reflection of the sunset on the lake. His pupils attracted all the light of the weakening and tired shining star, now they glittered more than the twilight. Reiner religiously admired that beaming glow of jade. After all, it had lightened him during this whole day darkened by doubt. He thought to himself he would never let any cloud get in the way of his rays of light ; that was his duty, he had seen enough of Bertholdt's melancholy to let this beam of peace and hope disappear again. Bertholdt had always supported him, followed him, looked after him, taken care of him : he knew Reiner better than Reiner knew himself. But what did he knew about Bertholdt apart from his frequent homesickness or that he, Reiner, needed him ?_ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''We really chose the best spot, didn't we ?'' Bertholdt wondered, his eyes still fixed on the warm reflections of the sunset._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______His friend's statement snapped Reiner out of his thoughts, but his doubts lingered._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''Don't you miss home ?''_ _ _ _ _ _

____

______Betholdt looked away from the lake so he could stare at Reiner, startled. His cheeks turned as red as the late day sky, he rubbed his nape and chortled._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''Well… this is gonna sound dumb… but I guess I feel like home is wherever I'm by your side.''_ _ _ _ _ _

____

______Reiner tittered and Bertholdt blushed more and more as he tried to hide his embarassment with a fixed grin, while Reiner hid his emotion. Bertholdt was happy there and that was all that mattered._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______ _ _ _ _

____

______''Have you given some thoughts to what you would prefer out of a game stew with its ranger sauce or sun vegetable pastas ?'' Bertholdt asked, getting up with an empty plate in his hands._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''What would you prefer to cook ?'' Reiner replied with a shrug._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''Frankly, I don't care… it's just that Sasha would love the stew but Marco would prefer the vegetables.''_ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''Don't bother too much about it ! Nobody is gonna sniff at the food like it's some poison or something, just cook your vegetables pastas, I know it's one of your favorites.'' Reiner gave him a pat on the back._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______Hearing Marco's name again shook him. Thirty seconds ago, he had been reminded for the umpteenth time that the young man had survived, and Ymir too… concerning Bertholdt, he had repeled the hideous memory of his death more than he could count. His dream was already terrible enough. No need dwelling on the most unsettling details of it. By sending this memory as far away from his dream as he could, he might prevent it from occurring in reality._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______Well, sealing memories away was what he excelled at. His thing. One trick he was really great at. Escape. By escaping his memories, he escaped all the implications, escaped the responsibilities. That's how he had run away from the truth of Marco's murder in his dream. And that's how he intended to get away from the most painful parts of his dream to make sure he would keep his reality safe. Even if it meant losing track of things. He brought a palm on his forehead._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''I might be already losing it, right now.''_ _ _ _ _ _

____

______Bertholdt made a about-turn, put the plates down in the sink and came closer to Reiner._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''What's wrong ?''_ _ _ _ _ _

____

______Reiner guffawed and smacked his forehead._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''Reiner, what's going on ?''_ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''That's it ! I'm losin' my shit since the beginning !''_ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''What are you talking about ?''_ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''My memories !'' Reiner stopped laughing ''I spent the day mixing them up like I was leading two separate lives… but that's actually how it is. I'm just losing my damn mind, as usual !''_ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''Losing your mind ? Like… imagining another reality ? Your dream ?''_ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''Yeah ! Apparently, that's what I'm doing now… when things go south I just pretend they've never happened and run away. That way I don't go completely crazy ! I must be doing it again and convincing myself everything is alright. That I didn't kill Marcel nor Marco. That I'm not the Armored. That I don't have to sweat over what's right and what's wrong ! That I have never killed thousands of innocents even though I never wanted to ! That it's no use trying to figure out what I should do anymore ! That nothing is fucked up ! That I'm not a fucking traitor !''_ _ _ _ _ _

____

______It was blowing up in his head, at full steam. It hurt and he tried to press his temples hard with his hands to let the steam out. Never mind if his eyes would come out of their eye sockets because of the pressure._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''Oi, Reiner ! Stop !''_ _ _ _ _ _

____

______Bertholdt's hands fell down on his shoulders. The shock made him stop his nervous compression. He stared at the unsettled and yet resolved expression of Bertholdt._ _ _ _ _ _

____

______''I swear it's true ! Everything that's here is true. Marco and Marcel are alive. Nobody is a Titan, there isn't even any left. You're no traitor.'' He ended up whispering ''You're the big brother of the team, Reiner, nobody hates you nor has any grudge against you : you have nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing to doubt of.''_ _ _ _ _ _

____

______Reiner had let him talk even though he had wanted to interrupt him on numerous occasions. It felt so good to hear those words ! But the truth was his dream, the hard truth. And _that _was just a soft lie. Reiner exploded.___ _ _ _ _ _

____

________''I'm sorry Bertl, but you're lying ! You're lying ! And the worst part is that you don't even realize you're lying because it's all in my head, but you're lying in my head ! You're not even supposed to be here ! And I don't know what I'm supposed to do… Who's thinkin' that up ? The warrior or the soldier ? I don't know who I am ! All of this too-good-to-be-true bullshit is neither the typical warrior's doing nor the soldier's, so where am I in this whole mess ? No idea ! Don't know which are my memories ! What's the fuckin' reality ! Who I am ! I just want it to st…''_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________Bertholdt was a mountain : tall, unshakeable, always looking so pure and serene, very considerate of others, he would watch them from the peak and understand them better than most. But he was never safe from the thunder. As Reiner's volcano had errupted, lightning went down on the summit and the mountain lost control._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________''Enough, Reiner, stop !''_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________''You didn't listen or what ? How do I stop that, huh ?''_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________''Damn it, Reiner, you're both of them !''_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________The beefy blonde froze. Bertholdt's words felt like a sudden shower. No cold shower, a lukewarm one. A firm and yet soothing rain that came down and extinguished his flames. He let it come down on him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________''You're Reiner, is all. No matter the contradictory aspects that come with it. That's unnerving because it's complex and delicate, but it makes you human. You're just human, Reiner. Okay, look, feel that.'' Bertholdt took his hand and pressed it hard ''You feel it, don't you ? You're truly here, that's real, it is ! Alright, I know I'm not the most spontaneous type so it might seem fake and out of character coming from me, but I assure you I'm not an illusion ! I'm here, same as you and your pain.''_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________''Bertl…''_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________''No… please, let me finish, that really isn't easy to put into words… So, yeah, your pain is sadly real too. If you doubt reality because of the painful and believable memories of your dream, that's normal… but, still, it doesn't mean you have to deny the fact that I'm holding your hand right now, you feel how real that is, don't you ? You're hurt, that's real, but it's also natural for me to help you. Don't deny me just because I'm trying to bring you something else than pain, please.''_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________Reiner had shaken his head yes at the question but had stood still all the while. He startled and the hairs on his body lifted when the rumbles of the thunder joined the rain._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________''What I'm trying to tell you is… I'm not afraid of you but I'm super scared for you ! And I'm sick of you carrying all the weight on your own shoulders without ever telling me about anything ! I mean, who am I to you, huh ? I spent my day seeing you ill-looking but I didn't want to rush you so I watched you. I watched you having a panic attack. I watched you ruining your own hand ! I watched you concealing your distress and I can't do this anymore ! I'm so fed up being useless I could cry ! I don't know what to do !''_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________The rain kept on pouring. It slid over Bertholdt's cheeks, reddened by frustration, he went on in a frail voice, suppressing sobs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________''I don't know what to do, Reiner… please… just tell me what is it I should do ! I'm sorry I'm so self-centered, it repels me, really… but, I beg you, tell me what to do… I never know ! I'd rather people telling me what to do… that's too difficult for me and I'm scared ! Please, Reiner… what should I do ?''_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________Reiner's drowsy body thawed, he wrapped his arms round Bertholdt and grabbed his nape so he could rest his head close to the young blonde's heart. Reiner envelopped him, he wanted to cover all of his back, shelter him. He collected his thoughts back and spoke to him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________''You never cease to astound me. Why is it you're always following me when I'm such a lost leader myself ?''_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________Bertholdt's tiny voice, sniffing and downcast, a bit muffled by Reiner's shirt, rose._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________''You're responsible and considering, anybody can lean on you and that's something I admire about you. You just don't pay enough attention to your feelings.'' Bertholdt got out of his cocoon, made out of Reiner's arms ''Someone has to take care of you !'_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________''How convenient is that ! You need someone to take the decisions ! I guess we're a match !'' Reiner chuckled, he took advantage of Bertholdt's close presence to pat on his back with complicity ''But I'm really glad you're here : if I'm no total hopeless case yet, that's thanks to you.''_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________The only answer Bertholdt came up with was a smile, his solemn eyes were still crying. He went back inside Reiner's embrace and asked in a whisper that crashed against the blonde's shirt and heart._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________''You feel me, don't you ? I really am _alive _here, am I not ?''_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __

____

__________A heavy throaty sound formed inside Reiner, he bit his lower lip so as to conceal it : Bertholdt's observations were always so sharp regarding the young man with platinum hair. Reiner brought the friend he thought he had forever lost closer to his chest._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __

____

_________''Yeah, I do.''_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________****__ ** ** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________Without letting go of his mate, Reiner took him. His desire guided his actions and Bertholdt let himself be led. They lay on the soft and floating comforting surface of the bed as if they were about to penetrate into a new world. A world where they would feel alive._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________Reiner ran a hand through the thin brown hair of the young man whose eyes were still red. Bertholdt snuggled up to him, his head against his torso. The platinum blonde felt a fresh breath tickling his skin and making each of his hairs raise, one after the other, downwards, as Bertholdt mechanically unbuttoned his grey shirt. Now that the shirt was open, Reiner stretched out his arms to grab the bottom of the wool pullover and pulled it towards him until the resistance created by Bertholdt's neck came, the brunet sprang out of the cloth on his own by tilting his neck backwards, only his arms were still covered by the fabric. Their eyes met, greeted, consumed each other. Reiner finished pulling the wool._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________From the tip of an audacious middle finger and of an uneasier ring finger, Bertholdt crossed all of his left arm, from the biceps to the palm. To Reiner, it was like letting his hand rub the delicacy of the blades of wheat in a field, only he was the one nature was coming for. He was cuddled, adored, transported. From two fingers, Bertholdt's entire hand had bloomed in his, warm, moist, soft. Sublime. The twenty eight of their phalanges tangled up. Just like their legs. Firm, warm, moist. Exhilarating. He felt nails tingling the back of his hand the same way he guessed Bertholdt's skin under his own fingernails._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________From the end of his cheek, he massaged the shoulder he was seeing in the luxurious dark. Soft with flesh but rigid with muscles. His cheekbone met the bone of this shoulder, they rubbed to friction. The flesh boundary fell down._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________Palms kneaded his shoulder blades to sooth them, to cultivate them, to make them blossom. They spread out more and more under the rubbing pressure. His mouth left the invisible trail of a languorous kiss on the forehead. He crossed his legs, his arms, around this waist, this neck, and joined his ankles, his fingers, to seal the interlacing. He took root. He throve. He got entangled like the blackberry bush on the hedge. All he could do now was climbing, soaring to the sky. Radiant, he would soon give fruits. He buried his nose in Adam's apple, ready to crunch_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________A source of satisfaction sprang in him. It poured. It flowed from his scalp to his nape as light fingers traveled across his hair. At first, they took a straight path, short yet efficient, up and down. They made their way through. The hair didn't put any resistance up and accepted to be tousled. Then, the travelers became more adventurous and zigzagged, often turning back at middle point or taking a new path, a horizontal one, from left to right, along the occiput. When two of them would stop on the small hollow at the bottom and would feel the ground, it was divine. When they would get out of the capillary domain to face the drier lands of the face's skin, it was joyous._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________He basked in the dry warmth offered by the naked torso. He let his hand slide all the way down so it could inspect, to his heart's content, the pectoral hills, the abdominal valleys. Once it reached the pelvis, it would turn back up, firmer, heavier, pressing the skin as it climbed, searching for a way to collect glimpses of this appealing torridity so it could cherish them until kingdom come. So it would always remember this night. Pursuing a concrete memory of the bodies' communion that the moon would otherwise retain. A glimpse that would evanish into a flame in the morning. Tiny flame bruning in the spirit. The hand was jealous of it and wanted to cease it, to always have it by its side. But the spirit doesn't share much._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________Reiner was alive the same way Bertholdt was in him and it made him tremble. This exciting fever overflew his body. The rustle of the sheets, the sighs of the skins linked together growing apart, the relief of Bertholdt's breathing sometimes accelerating then calming down, the wind whispering to the leaves : he savoured this soothing concert._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________This very same breathing of Bertholdts tickled his ribs with a peaceful and regular rhythm, just like the ebb and flow of a paradisiacal sea on a sand beach. Reiner granted his fingers another chance to touch the softness of Bertholdt's hair before letting his eyelids fall down and making him sink in a dreamless slumber._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________****__***_ _ ** ** _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________Reiner opened his eyes, his mind still sleeping._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________A veil of light squeezed in between his eyelid and his cornea : a shy wave, orange and warm, encouraging him to open his eyes. Step by step, she had advanced, patient and peaceful, alongside the rising day. She had come to inform him of the morning's presence and was urging him to rise._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

________The clatter of wheels on the pavement could be heard in the distance, only the sound was getting closer. It was slipping along the path to awakeness, leading the conscience there. It was becoming clear. The distant and thick echos of the dogs barking, the hubbub formed by various voices raising or the clear clapping of kids' shoes as they darted on the sly across the narrow streets, all these noises were starting to stand out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

__________The muffled and enveloping humming of the countryside at night was cracking. All of it was crumbling. Piece by piece, this monument of late night drowsiness was collapsing : the high-pitched chirps of birds, the crystalline whisper of the wind in the leaves, the absorbing calm ; piece by piece, it fell apart… smoother than silk. It melted. It was replaced by something else without any disturbance. Falling into place. As time goes by, old buildings damage and come crashing down. So does the night until daylight pierces through the ruins._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __

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__________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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________And Bertl isn't here anymore.________

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> __________
> 
> _****__  
> _« Suddenly he awoke, drowsily, Zhuangzi again. » _  
> Zhuangzi, Chapter II____****_
> 
>  _ _ ____
> 
>  _ _ ____
>
>> **  
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